I kinda fell off the face of the earth for a few weeks but I'm still here and still (somewhat) patiently waiting. It wasn't an easy month, that's for sure. I spent the majority of it questioning what I was doing.
I gave Justin a partial Dear John letter. And when I say partial, I really mean it. While writing it, I had no intention whatsoever of ending things with him. I just wanted things to slow waaaayyy down. We had been talking marriage a lot and it was really freaking me out. It's not that I am against the idea, I am just too much of a realist for my own good. But about a couple weeks ago, after getting Justin's response, things really started looking up. I was terrified to find out what he was going to say in response to my email. I was very serious and kinda harsh in it but that's just what I had to do. He responded in the way I hoped he would have but I didn't think it would actually happen. He responded in the most loving way possible. It really helped me realize that I am SO lucky to have him in my life. No matter what happens between us, he will always be one of the best friends I have ever had and will have.
So here's a little story. I just finished watching a movie on Netflix called Keith. If you haven't seen it and want to in the near future, stop reading this post right now because I am going to talk all about the ending. And oh man, that ending caught me WAY off guard and it triggered the feels. But it also got me thinking. At the end of the movie, the two main characters, Natalie and Keith, are at the airport saying goodbye. *SPOILER* But they are saying goodbye in a different way. He wanted to go to Canada (I swear I hear about Canada everywhere I go and it kinda kills me every time) to a truck show but he has cancer and is afraid he won't make it. So Natalie gets him a "ticket" (she drew it with crayon...heh) to anywhere. So they say their goodbyes and he gets in line. Of course she cries and then after a few minutes, runs after him, and says, "I am staying with you until you leave. I don't care how much time we have." That's the quote that really got to me. If you have read our story, you know that a couple years before Justin left, he was very hesitant about having a girlfriend before leaving on his mission. It was frustrating to me but I let it go. I NEVER thought I would have a second chance with him. When that chance came along, I thought it was too good to be true. For about two months, I kept trying to push Justin away. I just wasn't sold on the idea of us. Don't get me wrong, I really liked him but I just couldn't let myself agree. I don't know what it was. Maybe I was afraid that he would do what he did two years earlier, maybe I was afraid of commitment. I don't know but it took me a long time to give in. I finally did about three weeks before he left and if I had to pick two sentences to describe how I felt the day I gave in, it would be the two from this movie.
"I am staying with you until you leave. I don't care how much time we have."
Of course, Justin wasn't dying of cancer like Keith, but it was still a scary goodbye. And it continues to be scary. I have no clue what will happen between Justin and I. I wish I did. I wish I could just say, "I do" and be his forever, but I can't. However, at this moment, I truly believe that this will be the best experience I have had, whether or not he and I work out. I have learned SO much in these short, yet so long, four months without Justin by my side. But hearing those two sentences, it made me think, "Nothing has changed. I wanted to stay with him until he left, why would I give up as soon as he left?"
In the movie, the scene after them in the airport, it shows Natalie wearing her cap and gown, emptying Keith's locker. He obviously didn't make it to graduation. Then it shows Natalie fixing Keith's car with his dad. She gets in, and starts driving to Canada for the truck show. Even though Keith wasn't there anymore, she was still "with him". She didn't just stay until he left.
It doesn't matter if Justin is here with me or 2000 miles away, I'm still staying.
I'm not going anywhere.
