Changes

It has been over a year since I last posted on this blog. My last post was only up for a few days. For the first time in my two years of having this blog, I received some very negative comments from people I didn't know and they didn't know me. They were basing all of their judgement off of a girl who was just figuring out how life as an adult works. Their words did something to me that I can't even explain. They drove me to cry myself to sleep, wonder what in the world I'm doing, asking myself if I had just wasted the last two years of my life obsessing over a boy, and eventually led to completely taking my blog offline. 

Why am I suddenly back? 

I just recently listened to Munchin' With Moguls' podcast with Hailey Devine. 

Listen Here

Hailey talked a little bit about how she handled the negative comments she got on her social media accounts. You know what she does? 

She deletes them. 

She doesn't respond. She just taps that little red word, and they're gone. 

This made me wonder why I let those few negative comments dig so deep into my skin. Hailey also mentioned a quote that she saw on Pinterest. 

"If they don't know you personally, don't take it personal."

Those people that said those hurtful words actually said in their comments that they don't know who I am personally. They don't know me and who I really am so why would I take what they say so seriously? This post is a new start for me. I am finally over those hurtful words. I married the man I waited two years for. Our life together is amazing. We obviously did something right along the way. 

Now that life has settled back down and the craziness of a wedding is past, I am going to restart this blog. However, it will be at a new website address and will not be about my adventures of waiting for a missionary. I don't even really know what it's going to be about yet. I just know that this is something I loved doing while I was doing it, and I'm not going to let a few negative comments get me down! Also, this little blog is falling apart. What even happened to my header??

Once I get my new blog up and running, I will post one final post on this blog with the new web address and if you choose to come check it out, you will be welcomed. 

I loved my experience of waiting for Justin while he served his mission. It was hard, but it doesn't seem like it in hind sight. We've been happily married for over 3 months now and it's a whole new adventure. But this adventure is much better. We get to do it together, hand in hand. 

Forty Sleeps

Forty sleeps. That's all. I'm sitting here shaking my head in disbelief because I can't believe how close we really are. We're almost there. 

I have to apologize for my last post. I was sad. I was in a bad place for quite some time. 

I was sadness.

But things are SO much better now. 

(preach)

p.s. you can SEE her accent. Love.

Moving on. Justin and I are in a great place. We are both on the same page (mostly) when it comes to our relationship. Of course, we still have some things to work through, but that'll come when he gets home. After a few weeks, we picked up right where we left off, but even stronger. We both realized how much we really want to be together, even if it's not the ideal way to do things right now. 

He comes home in 40 short days. The best part about this time in the wait is that I went from being depressed to excited every time I looked at the number of days we have left. I swear it was just yesterday that I looked and it was 100 days. 

It just feels real now. Knowing that the end is in sight is a feeling that's hard to explain. I can really get excited now. 

Last night, I had my first realistic dream about Justin coming home. There were a bunch of people waiting for him to come and I got pushed behind a few people. He almost walked past me, but he took a second look and saw me. He then pushed people out of the way to give me a hug. It was the best imaginary hug I've ever experienced. 

I can't wait for that to be real. 

In other news, I had the "marriage talk" with my parents.

It went surprisingly well. It was actually really good to just lay it all out there and really get their approval. Who knows where our relationship will go when Justin gets home, but it was nice to just talk about the possibility of us getting married. 

Life is good. :) 

With the way I've been posting on the blog, I probably won't be back until he's home. But I'll try my best to give a few more updates before it's all over!

I Got Tired

Come sit. Let me tell you a story.

Sometimes life gets the better of you. 

It has been about 3.5 months since my last post, and let me tell you. A whole lot has happened.

The last 4 or so months of the wait have been the hardest, hands down. I don't even know where to begin. My experiences over the past few months are pretty personal, but I want to share our story in hopes that it will help someone else going through a similar situation. We went through some hard things, but I strongly believe we are stronger together because of these experiences. So I'm going to start at the beginning.

It's hard to put into words what it's like to love someone that you don't get to see for two years. I feel like Justin and I did really well the first year. Every day was a new experience for us and we just took everything as it came, but once we got a few months past that long awaited year mark, we got tired.

Correction: I got tired.

I didn't know how I felt about him anymore. I slowly tapered away and just wasn't as involved as I previously was. It had been so long since I had heard his voice and felt his hand in mine that I forgot what it was like. I tried to hang on, but I just didn't feel like it was possible. However, my relationship with Justin wasn't the only thing I was forgetting. While I continued to go to church and attend all my church meetings, it wasn't a focal point in my life anymore. I was just going through the motions rather than them actually meaning something to me. Long story short, I began to loose focus on all the important things in my life. I took advantage of them.

I began to get more and more uncertain with my relationship with Justin. After about a month, I couldn't just sit there anymore. I had to make a change. I wrote Justin a letter and told him how I felt. That I felt like I needed a little while to figure out my life and get to know myself again. Justin and I only dated for about 2.5 months before he left on his mission and because of our limited time together physically, we built a lot of our relationship through words on a screen and letters on a piece of paper. And that's exactly what I felt like it was. It wasn't real to me. It was just a compilation of weekly words. He was very understanding of it all. He gave me time to be to myself, and I told myself that I would take this time to really decide if he was meant to be in my life or not.

After a few weeks, I emailed Justin again. I was completely honest with him and told him how I felt during those few weeks. I was just fine. The only thing that really messed with me was the fact that I was okay to just stop. I was almost disgusted with myself. I knew that wasn't how Justin felt and I was terrified that I would hurt him if I left. But I did what I felt like I needed to.

I emailed Justin after a few weeks of a lot of deliberation. I told him that I felt like we should end things until he got home and we could see where things go then. At first, he was hurt but he told me that he kind of agreed. I was surprised by his response and simply asked him if he was okay. He wasn't. Long story short, that was the end. We both walked away feeling completely torn, but on good terms. However, there was one thing he said that I couldn't let slide:

"Hopefully I run into you sometime when I get home."

That simple sentence was like a stab to the heart. Justin had been through way too much to just "run into each other" when he got home. I still wanted to be at the airport when he gets home. I still wanted our relationship to grow. We still emailed on and of for the next couple months, but it wasn't the same. How could it be? I was miserable for the next couple weeks. Nothing seemed right in my life. I knew I had hurt him and it was killing me. Slowly, I began to realize why it hurt so much. I still cared about him in a way I don't about anyone else. He meant so much to me that just knowing I had hurt him and wasn't with him to make up for what I did made me wake up.

I am far from perfect. I will continue to make mistake after mistake, and I will hurt the people I love. But he is one person I can't stand to watch myself hurt.

I love him too much.

I don't want to have to stand on the side and watch him hurt. I want to be with him to fix the mistakes I know I will continue to make. I don't want to let him go. Ever. But I knew I couldn't just run right back to him and expect everything to be fine and dandy. We had to back way up and start again. We had to go slow.

To put an end to this very long post, we turned out alright. We are still building back up to where we were, but that's just fine. After I went back to him and explained everything, things finally started turning up for me. I wanted to be better. I was fine without him, but I am on top of the world with him. I can live without him, but I don't want to.

To the other missionary girlfriends reading this, hang in there. Do what you feel is the right thing for you and your missionary. For us, it was to call it. It just took us being apart physically and emotionally to realize how much we really want to stick it out. Things will always work out. Here I am with a mere 6 months left in the wait and it almost doesn't seem real. We have been through so much over the past 18 months and I wouldn't take any of it back. We have grown so much together. Even if things don't end up working out with Justin and I, I will never regret the 2 years I spent waiting for him. It's an experience I will never forget.

Okay, I'll get off my soapbox now.

I promise I'll try to get back to posting more often. I'm in a much better place now. :)

And I'll try to follow up with a funnier post. I miss my GIFs. 

I love you all! 

Hiatus

Oh hey guys...

I'm back.

My life has been slightly crazy the past few months so I had to take a small hiatus in order to keep my sanity :)

I guess quite a bit has changed since I last posted anything. Things are still going good though. I still have my good and bad days; I don't think those will stop until he comes home. 

As of today, I have 9 months and 8 days until Justin is released. I won't be able to see him in person until about a week after that though. I am definitely looking forward to that phone call though.

Oh man. I don't even know what to write about. It's just been too long! I kinda can't believe how much time has passed since I saw him last. It seems like so much has changed, but I really think things are mostly the same. We're both a little more secure with what we're doing though. He's really settled in to the missionary life and is absolutely loving it. He's being the classic Justin and got permisison from his mission president to start learning spanish, as well as french, to better teach those he comes in contact with. He was made the district leader a few weeks back and has definitely been feeling the pressure from that, but is loving being able to step up and do more. 

I am home from school until January and am surviving. Hah. I'm working between 45 and 60 hours every week. I kinda want to die sometimes, but I'm dealing. It keeps me busy, which is really good. Here's why:

This far into the wait, I feel numb 98% of the time, sad 1.9% of the time, and happy 0.1% of the time. It is so. hard. I honestly don't know what I would do if I wasn't so busy. I think I would be in a bad place all the time. Everything I do outside of work reminds me of him (there's that 0.1%) and then I remember that he's not here and won't be for another 9 months (the 1.9%) and then I can't remember what it's really like to have him around (98%). It's a weird feeling to have. I know he's real. I talk to him every Monday. He tells me he loves me. I tell him I love him. We talk about our week. We talk about how we are doing. We say we love each other again, and then it's over for another 7 days. I know he's there, but it's just so easy to forget. 

But I have to admit, I personally believe that it's easier this way. I'm not near as sad as I was for the first few months. I hate not being able to remember the exact way his voice sounds (thank goodness I still have his laugh stuck in my head) and remembering what it felt like to walk hand in hand with him wherever we went. But that's what keeps me encouraged to keep going. I know if I just hold on for another few months, he'll be back and we'll get to remember all those things again. We'll get to relive them forever and ever :) 

Things are good. I can't really complain. In 2.5 short months, I'll be going back to school, and when I move back home, he'll be there. 

(I could cry at the thought of that)

 Welp, that's all I've got this time around. I'll try to post a little bit more now that I feel like I have a bit of a handle on my crazy life. :) 

Have a wonderful undisclosed amount of time until I'm back!

Real Talk

Over the past few days, I have had quite a few people come up to me and say "Okay. Let's be real. What's going on with you and Justin?". It's kinda odd that so many people have brought it up to me all within a couple days. I go months without anyone asking about our situation (Besides close friends, but that's different...). There is one that has really impressed me. Story time!

My home stake had girls camp this week and my mom is the stake young women's president so I decided to go to camp for a couple days to help out. When we were getting ready for dinner on Tuesday night, one of my amazing young women leaders (Erica) took me aside and asked how things were going with Justin. We had quite a long conversation, and there were a few things that really seemed to help me feel a little more at ease. I didn't know this, but she had a missionary when she was younger (Trent). She talked about how she was pretty set on marrying him while he was gone. She paused her entire life to wait for him. Yes, she went to school and continued her life in that way, but she wasn't social or outgoing because she didn't want someone to ask her on a date. She felt like she had wasted those entire two years. Trent was out serving and growing while she was sitting in her apartment waiting for him to come back. When he got home, they kept dating for a while. She just kept waiting for him to propose. She had been waiting this entire time for him to come home so they could get married. She was ready, but he wasn't. So they kept dating. They dated for another TWO YEARS after he got home. After those two years, she was moving to a different state so they mutually decided to end things and date other people, but they would still talk and go on dates whenever they were around. Well, she met Andy, and he met Heather. Erica and Trent met up the week before Thanksgiving because they were technically still seeing each other. They talked about their situation. How they had each found other people, but still had each other. They then decided to part ways and pursue these other people they had found. It turned out to be the right move. Erica married Andy, and Trent married Heather. 

No, her "waiting for a missionary" story didn't end like we all hope ours will, but I took so much out of her story.

- Everything that happens to you happens for a reason. Even the mistakes or other choices we make will still get us where we need to be. 

- Don't get your mind set on something that you have no control over (I'm really really bad at that.)

- Contrary to everyone elses beliefs, no, you will not know if it will work out the second you see him again. 

- Do not sit and wait. Continue on with your life. Have fun. Go on dates. Make friends. Grow. Improve. Do what you can to keep up with your missionary's progress.

I didn't expect it, but talking to all these different people about my relationship and the potential seriousness of it has helped me so so much. Each of these people that I have talked to have all been married and gone through some terrible things in their lives. One lost the love of her life after 7 short years of marriage to a blood clot in his heart causing instant death (Erica and Andy), one is in the beginning stages of a divorce from a man that can't handle the responsibility of being a father or a good husband, and the others are happily married and have gone through their own challenges that come from marriage. Getting advice from someone who has experienced life has helped me in a completely different way than people who are going through my similar situation. I can't believe I have waited this long to fully open up and talk about my situation and how I really feel about it. 

Just talking to these people has made my load seem so much lighter. I feel like I can breathe. Seeing these women go through life and tell me about their experience gives me so much hope for the future. 

After weeks of worrying, I finally feel ready to keep pushing forward. I am ready to keep taking life one day at a time while trusting in God to help me through it all. He won't lead me astray. 

A Little Advice

Here's a small bit of advice for all the girls who are on the new end of the wait. 

In a little less than a month, I will be able to say that I am halfway done, and I like to think that qualifies me to give a little bit of advice. Maybe it doesn't. But we'll pretend. 

Here's my bit of advice for the night. 

It is perfectly okay to cry. In fact, I encourage it. 

The past couple months have been hard for me. Not because I miss him so much, and I just want him home. That comes every once in a while, and I'm happy when it does. It has been so hard for me because I feel absolutely nothing. I read his letters and emails and feel absolutely nothing. I have become numb to his absense. 

Just today, I got a package from Justin. Included was a 4 page letter. When I finished reading it, I hated the way I felt. I wanted to be jumping for joy because I got to hear from him on a day other than Monday. I wanted to cry happy tears becasue I miss him and love him so dang much. But none of that happened. That used to happen on a regular basis in the first 6 or so months, but I hardly ever feel that way anymore. 

I got my homework done early tonight so I decided to treat myself to a movie. I ended up watching "You're Not You". It's originally rated R, but I borrowed a edited version from a friend. It's quite the tear-jerker. I don't think I have ever cried so hard watching a movie. Just go watch the trailer and you'll want to get your hands on it.  

But I finally felt something. I wasn't numb anymore. 

I began thinking about Justin and wished more than anything that we could be physically together right at that moment. 

Then I put my iPod on shuffle and the song "I Know You Care" by Ellie Goulding came on. I completely lost it. That song triggers a lot of other feelings and memories from high school, but those on top of how I was feeling right then almost brought out the ugly cry. 

But it felt so good. 

After I got it all out, I felt this huge weight lifted off my shoulders. 

So many people in the world believe it's so important to be strong and to keep your emotions inside. 

Basically they're telling you to deny your nature. 

Crying is a completly normal thing to do, and for me, relieves so much stress. Sometimes you just need a good cry to make yourself feel a little better. 

It also makes you tired which makes bed time so so so much better. 

So. My point is, just cry it out. Make yourself feel something. Don't numb yourself like society is telling you to do. Be emotional. You can't properly function with all those emotions built up. Believe me, I know from experience.

So now, go find a sad movie, listen to some sad songs, and feel. 

Then go take a nap. :)

The Heavy Kind of Empty

It has been almost a year since I last saw Justin. Being away from the one you love for that long does weird things to you. All these feelings you have are so hard to describe. 

Tonight, I think I found a way to describe my most frequent feeling. 

I was laying in my bed, and suddenly I felt it again. I had this sudden wave of missing him wash over me. I knew what it was as soon as I felt it. It comes out of nowhere and often takes a long time to get rid of. I knew it would be a while until I could get back to sleep. Every time this wave nearly drowns me, all I want is for Justin to be right there laying next to me. I want him to pull me in closer and hold me until I fall asleep. 

It's a whole new level of lonely when you come to the realization that he's not there with you. 

You feel empty. 

But so so heavy. 

How can something be so empty, yet so heavy?

You want to cry, but you just can't seem to let it out. 

You get that terrible knot in your throat and no matter how many times or how hard you swallow, there's no getting rid of it. 

Feeling this way makes me so much more tired, but I can't relax enough. If I could just let go, there's a good chance I'll see him in my dreams.