I used to LOVE coming home from college on the weekends.
I just loved being able to sleep in my own bed, talk to my parents, see my cats (they're really important), and just simply be home.
But tonight, as my sister drove me home from Rexburg, it was a completely different feeling. As we drove into Idaho Falls, we drove past the exit I take to get to Justin's house. I had to close my eyes and take a deep breath just to compose myself. Just seeing one of the roads I drive on to get to his house made it that much harder to be home. I didn't want to go home because I knew I would step in my room and see the pictures of Justin and I hanging on my wall (They're in my room in Rexburg too, but my room here is where it "began"). I had a very physical pain in my chest. Maybe it's just the lack of sleep, stress, and anxiety of college building up, but it felt a lot like a hurt heart.
I went to a concert tonight with my sister at BYU-I. It was a big dance concert they have every year. I have tried going as often as I can because it is very well done and so much fun to watch. I can't dance worth the life of me, but I enjoy watching it. Two or three numbers in was ballroom. My heart dropped. Justin was involved in ballroom through some of junior high and most of high school. He LOVED it. Still does. In fact, in the last letter he sent me he said, "Please let me teach you how to dance. It would just make me so happy." Anyway, one of the first things I thought of while watching this dance was, "I can't wait until I can go to this with Justin." And then I remembered it'll be another 2 years before we can go together. Yes, he has been out for about 7.5 months, but August of 2016 seems sooo far away.
Then when I got home, I was talking to my mom and she said she wants us all to go to the new Cinderella movie tomorrow before I have to work. Of course, I said yes, but then I remembered the million times Justin and I went to the movies over the summer. That was our go-to date. It wasn't much of a date, but I LOVED it. Just sitting there holding his hand, knowing he was right there with me. It's amazing how simple it used to be.
Everything is so far from simple anymore. I question myself everyday. It used to be about every other week, but I am constantly wondering if what we are doing is worth it. It's scary. There is no saying what will happen in the next 16.5 months. I wish I knew. What I really wish I knew is if these feelings of doubt are real doubts or if they're just Satan pushing his way into my head to pull me away from Justin, the man I'm supposed to spend eternity with. Just thinking about it makes me want to curl in a ball and cry.
I just want him here. I want to hold his hand while watching a movie so I know he's really there, and that he's not going to leave unless I also let go.
I want it to be simple again.
I want to be excited to come home because I get to see him again. It's weird that home isn't necessarily a place anymore. Yes, Idaho Falls will always be my "home". Nothing will ever change that. But my home, where I go when I'm happy, sad, lonely, excited, and anything in between, will always be in his arms.
I always heard people talk about home being with the one they love, but I never really understood it.
I do now.
"She knew she loved him when 'home' went from being a place to being a person."
-E. Leventhal
