Real Talk

Over the past few days, I have had quite a few people come up to me and say "Okay. Let's be real. What's going on with you and Justin?". It's kinda odd that so many people have brought it up to me all within a couple days. I go months without anyone asking about our situation (Besides close friends, but that's different...). There is one that has really impressed me. Story time!

My home stake had girls camp this week and my mom is the stake young women's president so I decided to go to camp for a couple days to help out. When we were getting ready for dinner on Tuesday night, one of my amazing young women leaders (Erica) took me aside and asked how things were going with Justin. We had quite a long conversation, and there were a few things that really seemed to help me feel a little more at ease. I didn't know this, but she had a missionary when she was younger (Trent). She talked about how she was pretty set on marrying him while he was gone. She paused her entire life to wait for him. Yes, she went to school and continued her life in that way, but she wasn't social or outgoing because she didn't want someone to ask her on a date. She felt like she had wasted those entire two years. Trent was out serving and growing while she was sitting in her apartment waiting for him to come back. When he got home, they kept dating for a while. She just kept waiting for him to propose. She had been waiting this entire time for him to come home so they could get married. She was ready, but he wasn't. So they kept dating. They dated for another TWO YEARS after he got home. After those two years, she was moving to a different state so they mutually decided to end things and date other people, but they would still talk and go on dates whenever they were around. Well, she met Andy, and he met Heather. Erica and Trent met up the week before Thanksgiving because they were technically still seeing each other. They talked about their situation. How they had each found other people, but still had each other. They then decided to part ways and pursue these other people they had found. It turned out to be the right move. Erica married Andy, and Trent married Heather. 

No, her "waiting for a missionary" story didn't end like we all hope ours will, but I took so much out of her story.

- Everything that happens to you happens for a reason. Even the mistakes or other choices we make will still get us where we need to be. 

- Don't get your mind set on something that you have no control over (I'm really really bad at that.)

- Contrary to everyone elses beliefs, no, you will not know if it will work out the second you see him again. 

- Do not sit and wait. Continue on with your life. Have fun. Go on dates. Make friends. Grow. Improve. Do what you can to keep up with your missionary's progress.

I didn't expect it, but talking to all these different people about my relationship and the potential seriousness of it has helped me so so much. Each of these people that I have talked to have all been married and gone through some terrible things in their lives. One lost the love of her life after 7 short years of marriage to a blood clot in his heart causing instant death (Erica and Andy), one is in the beginning stages of a divorce from a man that can't handle the responsibility of being a father or a good husband, and the others are happily married and have gone through their own challenges that come from marriage. Getting advice from someone who has experienced life has helped me in a completely different way than people who are going through my similar situation. I can't believe I have waited this long to fully open up and talk about my situation and how I really feel about it. 

Just talking to these people has made my load seem so much lighter. I feel like I can breathe. Seeing these women go through life and tell me about their experience gives me so much hope for the future. 

After weeks of worrying, I finally feel ready to keep pushing forward. I am ready to keep taking life one day at a time while trusting in God to help me through it all. He won't lead me astray. 

A Little Advice

Here's a small bit of advice for all the girls who are on the new end of the wait. 

In a little less than a month, I will be able to say that I am halfway done, and I like to think that qualifies me to give a little bit of advice. Maybe it doesn't. But we'll pretend. 

Here's my bit of advice for the night. 

It is perfectly okay to cry. In fact, I encourage it. 

The past couple months have been hard for me. Not because I miss him so much, and I just want him home. That comes every once in a while, and I'm happy when it does. It has been so hard for me because I feel absolutely nothing. I read his letters and emails and feel absolutely nothing. I have become numb to his absense. 

Just today, I got a package from Justin. Included was a 4 page letter. When I finished reading it, I hated the way I felt. I wanted to be jumping for joy because I got to hear from him on a day other than Monday. I wanted to cry happy tears becasue I miss him and love him so dang much. But none of that happened. That used to happen on a regular basis in the first 6 or so months, but I hardly ever feel that way anymore. 

I got my homework done early tonight so I decided to treat myself to a movie. I ended up watching "You're Not You". It's originally rated R, but I borrowed a edited version from a friend. It's quite the tear-jerker. I don't think I have ever cried so hard watching a movie. Just go watch the trailer and you'll want to get your hands on it.  

But I finally felt something. I wasn't numb anymore. 

I began thinking about Justin and wished more than anything that we could be physically together right at that moment. 

Then I put my iPod on shuffle and the song "I Know You Care" by Ellie Goulding came on. I completely lost it. That song triggers a lot of other feelings and memories from high school, but those on top of how I was feeling right then almost brought out the ugly cry. 

But it felt so good. 

After I got it all out, I felt this huge weight lifted off my shoulders. 

So many people in the world believe it's so important to be strong and to keep your emotions inside. 

Basically they're telling you to deny your nature. 

Crying is a completly normal thing to do, and for me, relieves so much stress. Sometimes you just need a good cry to make yourself feel a little better. 

It also makes you tired which makes bed time so so so much better. 

So. My point is, just cry it out. Make yourself feel something. Don't numb yourself like society is telling you to do. Be emotional. You can't properly function with all those emotions built up. Believe me, I know from experience.

So now, go find a sad movie, listen to some sad songs, and feel. 

Then go take a nap. :)