Hiatus

Oh hey guys...

I'm back.

My life has been slightly crazy the past few months so I had to take a small hiatus in order to keep my sanity :)

I guess quite a bit has changed since I last posted anything. Things are still going good though. I still have my good and bad days; I don't think those will stop until he comes home. 

As of today, I have 9 months and 8 days until Justin is released. I won't be able to see him in person until about a week after that though. I am definitely looking forward to that phone call though.

Oh man. I don't even know what to write about. It's just been too long! I kinda can't believe how much time has passed since I saw him last. It seems like so much has changed, but I really think things are mostly the same. We're both a little more secure with what we're doing though. He's really settled in to the missionary life and is absolutely loving it. He's being the classic Justin and got permisison from his mission president to start learning spanish, as well as french, to better teach those he comes in contact with. He was made the district leader a few weeks back and has definitely been feeling the pressure from that, but is loving being able to step up and do more. 

I am home from school until January and am surviving. Hah. I'm working between 45 and 60 hours every week. I kinda want to die sometimes, but I'm dealing. It keeps me busy, which is really good. Here's why:

This far into the wait, I feel numb 98% of the time, sad 1.9% of the time, and happy 0.1% of the time. It is so. hard. I honestly don't know what I would do if I wasn't so busy. I think I would be in a bad place all the time. Everything I do outside of work reminds me of him (there's that 0.1%) and then I remember that he's not here and won't be for another 9 months (the 1.9%) and then I can't remember what it's really like to have him around (98%). It's a weird feeling to have. I know he's real. I talk to him every Monday. He tells me he loves me. I tell him I love him. We talk about our week. We talk about how we are doing. We say we love each other again, and then it's over for another 7 days. I know he's there, but it's just so easy to forget. 

But I have to admit, I personally believe that it's easier this way. I'm not near as sad as I was for the first few months. I hate not being able to remember the exact way his voice sounds (thank goodness I still have his laugh stuck in my head) and remembering what it felt like to walk hand in hand with him wherever we went. But that's what keeps me encouraged to keep going. I know if I just hold on for another few months, he'll be back and we'll get to remember all those things again. We'll get to relive them forever and ever :) 

Things are good. I can't really complain. In 2.5 short months, I'll be going back to school, and when I move back home, he'll be there. 

(I could cry at the thought of that)

 Welp, that's all I've got this time around. I'll try to post a little bit more now that I feel like I have a bit of a handle on my crazy life. :) 

Have a wonderful undisclosed amount of time until I'm back!

Real Talk

Over the past few days, I have had quite a few people come up to me and say "Okay. Let's be real. What's going on with you and Justin?". It's kinda odd that so many people have brought it up to me all within a couple days. I go months without anyone asking about our situation (Besides close friends, but that's different...). There is one that has really impressed me. Story time!

My home stake had girls camp this week and my mom is the stake young women's president so I decided to go to camp for a couple days to help out. When we were getting ready for dinner on Tuesday night, one of my amazing young women leaders (Erica) took me aside and asked how things were going with Justin. We had quite a long conversation, and there were a few things that really seemed to help me feel a little more at ease. I didn't know this, but she had a missionary when she was younger (Trent). She talked about how she was pretty set on marrying him while he was gone. She paused her entire life to wait for him. Yes, she went to school and continued her life in that way, but she wasn't social or outgoing because she didn't want someone to ask her on a date. She felt like she had wasted those entire two years. Trent was out serving and growing while she was sitting in her apartment waiting for him to come back. When he got home, they kept dating for a while. She just kept waiting for him to propose. She had been waiting this entire time for him to come home so they could get married. She was ready, but he wasn't. So they kept dating. They dated for another TWO YEARS after he got home. After those two years, she was moving to a different state so they mutually decided to end things and date other people, but they would still talk and go on dates whenever they were around. Well, she met Andy, and he met Heather. Erica and Trent met up the week before Thanksgiving because they were technically still seeing each other. They talked about their situation. How they had each found other people, but still had each other. They then decided to part ways and pursue these other people they had found. It turned out to be the right move. Erica married Andy, and Trent married Heather. 

No, her "waiting for a missionary" story didn't end like we all hope ours will, but I took so much out of her story.

- Everything that happens to you happens for a reason. Even the mistakes or other choices we make will still get us where we need to be. 

- Don't get your mind set on something that you have no control over (I'm really really bad at that.)

- Contrary to everyone elses beliefs, no, you will not know if it will work out the second you see him again. 

- Do not sit and wait. Continue on with your life. Have fun. Go on dates. Make friends. Grow. Improve. Do what you can to keep up with your missionary's progress.

I didn't expect it, but talking to all these different people about my relationship and the potential seriousness of it has helped me so so much. Each of these people that I have talked to have all been married and gone through some terrible things in their lives. One lost the love of her life after 7 short years of marriage to a blood clot in his heart causing instant death (Erica and Andy), one is in the beginning stages of a divorce from a man that can't handle the responsibility of being a father or a good husband, and the others are happily married and have gone through their own challenges that come from marriage. Getting advice from someone who has experienced life has helped me in a completely different way than people who are going through my similar situation. I can't believe I have waited this long to fully open up and talk about my situation and how I really feel about it. 

Just talking to these people has made my load seem so much lighter. I feel like I can breathe. Seeing these women go through life and tell me about their experience gives me so much hope for the future. 

After weeks of worrying, I finally feel ready to keep pushing forward. I am ready to keep taking life one day at a time while trusting in God to help me through it all. He won't lead me astray. 

A Little Advice

Here's a small bit of advice for all the girls who are on the new end of the wait. 

In a little less than a month, I will be able to say that I am halfway done, and I like to think that qualifies me to give a little bit of advice. Maybe it doesn't. But we'll pretend. 

Here's my bit of advice for the night. 

It is perfectly okay to cry. In fact, I encourage it. 

The past couple months have been hard for me. Not because I miss him so much, and I just want him home. That comes every once in a while, and I'm happy when it does. It has been so hard for me because I feel absolutely nothing. I read his letters and emails and feel absolutely nothing. I have become numb to his absense. 

Just today, I got a package from Justin. Included was a 4 page letter. When I finished reading it, I hated the way I felt. I wanted to be jumping for joy because I got to hear from him on a day other than Monday. I wanted to cry happy tears becasue I miss him and love him so dang much. But none of that happened. That used to happen on a regular basis in the first 6 or so months, but I hardly ever feel that way anymore. 

I got my homework done early tonight so I decided to treat myself to a movie. I ended up watching "You're Not You". It's originally rated R, but I borrowed a edited version from a friend. It's quite the tear-jerker. I don't think I have ever cried so hard watching a movie. Just go watch the trailer and you'll want to get your hands on it.  

But I finally felt something. I wasn't numb anymore. 

I began thinking about Justin and wished more than anything that we could be physically together right at that moment. 

Then I put my iPod on shuffle and the song "I Know You Care" by Ellie Goulding came on. I completely lost it. That song triggers a lot of other feelings and memories from high school, but those on top of how I was feeling right then almost brought out the ugly cry. 

But it felt so good. 

After I got it all out, I felt this huge weight lifted off my shoulders. 

So many people in the world believe it's so important to be strong and to keep your emotions inside. 

Basically they're telling you to deny your nature. 

Crying is a completly normal thing to do, and for me, relieves so much stress. Sometimes you just need a good cry to make yourself feel a little better. 

It also makes you tired which makes bed time so so so much better. 

So. My point is, just cry it out. Make yourself feel something. Don't numb yourself like society is telling you to do. Be emotional. You can't properly function with all those emotions built up. Believe me, I know from experience.

So now, go find a sad movie, listen to some sad songs, and feel. 

Then go take a nap. :)

The Heavy Kind of Empty

It has been almost a year since I last saw Justin. Being away from the one you love for that long does weird things to you. All these feelings you have are so hard to describe. 

Tonight, I think I found a way to describe my most frequent feeling. 

I was laying in my bed, and suddenly I felt it again. I had this sudden wave of missing him wash over me. I knew what it was as soon as I felt it. It comes out of nowhere and often takes a long time to get rid of. I knew it would be a while until I could get back to sleep. Every time this wave nearly drowns me, all I want is for Justin to be right there laying next to me. I want him to pull me in closer and hold me until I fall asleep. 

It's a whole new level of lonely when you come to the realization that he's not there with you. 

You feel empty. 

But so so heavy. 

How can something be so empty, yet so heavy?

You want to cry, but you just can't seem to let it out. 

You get that terrible knot in your throat and no matter how many times or how hard you swallow, there's no getting rid of it. 

Feeling this way makes me so much more tired, but I can't relax enough. If I could just let go, there's a good chance I'll see him in my dreams. 

All About Me

I have been working on this blog for about a year now, and I just realized you all know next to nothing about me. Other than the bits and pieces you've gathered from my posts. But let's make this easy. 

This post is all about me. :) 

Welcome to my little corner of the internet. It probably isn't all that exciting, but I'm glad you're here. :)

My name is Jenna Elizabeth Zollinger. 

I am 4' 11"

I have 6 older siblings (4 boys, 2 girls). 

All of which are married, but one. I also have a "sister" in Norway. Don't ever get a foreign exchange student unelss you're ready to get totally attached and become best friends. 

My parents are basically the best people in the world. 

I was born and raised in Idaho Falls, Idaho. Up until I left home for college, I had lived in the same house my entire life. Same room, in fact. 

I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

Cats are basically my favorite thing in the entire world. I have two. Simba and Gray Cat (there's quite the story behind his name). 

I am what a lot of people would call a choir nerd. The choir room was my second room all of high school. I kid you not. I spent every extra second in that room.
I blame this guy for liking choir so much. 

I like it so much, I'm going to college to do more of it. Hooray for being a music major!

I absolutely love photography. I'm not fabulous, and I may not ever be, but I still love it. 

I would choose a rainy day over sun any day. 

I hate mornings.

I love all things Disney.

I have a weird obsession with GIFs.

You'll see as you read my posts...

I am a missionary girlfriend. 

I'm not that exciting, but hey, I pretend to be and that counts, right? 

Anyway, here's my little hideout. Enjoy my adventures while waiting for my best friend to come home. :) 

Good Days

*I wrote this post quite a while ago. Not entirely sure why I didn't post it, because it's a happy one.*


There will always be bad days. They are completely unavoidable. 

BUT

There are also good days. 

Today was just one of those super fabulous days. 

I got up early this morning to drive to my cousin's farewell in Utah. Normally, those are super hard to go to; almost as hard as seeing missionaries get home, but I did a-okay this time around. It was just a fabulous day. It was just my mom and I so we just talked and talked and sang awesome choir music and talked the entire way. Going to college really makes you appreciate the time you get with your mom. <3 Anyway, we got home around 7:30 tonight and my sister wanted me to go to the hospital to see my nephew. So I got right back in the car and headed to the hospital. I plugged in my phone and started jamming out. I got thinking about Justin and how AWESOME it will be when I get to hold him again. I was listening to one of the most bi-polar songs in the world, and it didn't matter if I was listening to the happy part or the sad part, I had the biggest smile on my face. 

I was just so happy! And still am. :) Nothing could make life better right now. Yes, having Justin here would be nice, but I honestly don't want him anywhere but where he is supposed to be. And that's where he is right now, in his bed in Canada.... :) Heh. Jokes. You know what I mean.  

It's Alright to be Happy

We all have our own struggles. I can always come up with quite a few things that are far from ideal in my life (the main one being away from Justin), but it's a lot harder to find things to be happy about. 

However, these past few days, it has been easier to find reasons to be happy for whatever reason. 

Justin has been out a little under 11 months (internal scream). That's almost half  way done. I remember when my cousin had been out for half of her mission. And now she's home. Of course she was only out for 18 months, but still! Time really has flown by. That's a few things to be happy about. 

Just the other day I had the realization that it had been 11 months since I had a face-to-face conversation with Justin, a hug, a kiss, a walk around the river in our hometown, his hand to hold, 11 months since I had him physically in my life. 322 days ago, I said goodbye to him. Hopefully for the last time ever. 

*There's another happy thought! No more goodbyes!*

It has been really hard to wrap my mind around how long 11 months really is. It makes me kinda proud of myself that I've made it this far. To be completely honest, I didn't think I would. I gain more respect daily for the girls that are even a day ahead of me in their wait. Props to each and every one of you. What we are doing is no easy task. 

Thank goodness for Monday (did I really just say that?) and the mailman. 

As I look back at these last 11 months, it gives me so much more motivation to keep going! Yes, it has been hard. There hasn't been a day that goes by that I haven't thought about him and how much I want him back here with me, but I know that we are both doing what is best for us at this point in our lives. We have both already grown so much. I can't wait to see what these next 13 months bring.

I am so lucky to have someone to miss. It doesn't matter how alone I feel. I always know that there is someone 2000 miles away who misses me just as much as I miss him. 

Missionary #2 - Meet Sister Jones

This is Emily

She has been called to serve the people of Chicago. 

And she's basically my favorite person ever. 

Tomorrow, she leaves for the Provo MTC. 

Today, we said goodbye. 

Let's just take a second to talk about Emily. 

Once upon a time (sophomore year), all my "friends" just kinda left me behind. I would see all of them hanging out at my friends house down the street, and I hadn't heard a thing about anyone getting together. I went through my entire sophomore year feeling like poo. I sat at home every night, wallowing in self-pitty the majority of the time. Then, at the end of sophomore year, my choir teacher asked me to be next years choir council vice president. With the president, we picked the rest of choir council. "We can pick anyone but we have to have Emily Jones as secretary." she said. Uh okay....I work with her, but I don't really know her so if you say so.  

Before I knew it, it was the first day of my junior year. I walked into US History with Mr. Berger (terrible teacher, but one of the best humans you will ever know of) and sat down in the back. Soon after, Emily came and sat down next to me. And that was the beginning of a lot of good things. 

By the end of that trimester, we were pretty close. I had Berger for one more tri, but she had a different teacher for the second half of the class. It's kinda crazy to think that we went from basically strangers to best friends in just 3 short months. So many amazing memories were formed over the next 2 years. 

Berger's life lessons, her constantly telling me to relax, the choir quote book, "separation anxiety", choir trips, early morning seminary, late night Berto's runs, going to see Frozen together, getting excited about new choir music discoveries, jumping in puddles after work with Justin, going to every concert possible, making movies at Choral Rendezvous, eating lunch in the choir room every day, "our wall", Lagoon, matching rainboots, teaching her how to roll her r's, birthday trips to Utah, having conversations over text, snapchat, email, and facebook at the same time, and so so much more. 

I don't know what I would have done if she hadn't come into my life. Probably still wallowing in self pitty... :) 

We made a rule a while back. We were talking about me and Justin and our plans for the future when Emily said, "No matter what happens, you're not allowed to get married until I'm back." I told her I can do that, but there's not guarantees I won't be engaged by the time she gets back. 

So a few weeks ago, I came to the conclusion that I will be waiting for two missionaries now. :) She's just as important, if not more, that Justin. :) 

She's my person. 

Oh how lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. Let's hope these next 18 months fly by!! Until then, I will remember some of the best words that came out of Emily's mouth: 

"You should be happy more. You need to excercise your cheeks!"

Oh man, I'm gonna miss this girl. 

Summer Nights

I always heard that college was the best time of people's lives. It has been pretty good so far, but not great. I have my small amounts of fun, but nothing like the things I did with my friends in high school. Tonight, my roommate and I sat outside our second story apartment just enjoying the weather. Then my mind flashed back to almost exactly one year ago. 

On May 24, 2014, I subsonsciously fell in love with Justin. I had no idea what was to come.

We spent almost every evening together over the next 2.5 months. It was when I realized how many perfect summer nights we spent together that I realized why this warm weather has been so bittersweet. As I stood on the balcony, all my senses reminded me. The smell of the air in the summer, the perfect temperature nights, and the amazing memories formed. Not to mention having Justin's hand in mine. 

Winter wasn't bad. But I also think that's because I've never experienced that time of year with him. Every little thing about summer reminds me of the limited time we spent together. 

Oh, how I wish we had more. 

9 months and 1 day

9 months and 1 day. 

That is how long it has been since I saw Justin's face.

That's a long time. 

It actually hasn't been too bad lately. I've missed him quite a lot, probably more than ever before, but I have been able to handle it pretty well. It kinda hits me hard sometimes. Like tonight. I wasn't even doing anything that reminded me of him. I was just sitting in my apartment watching Friends and then he popped into my head. I thought of all the late night adventures we had when I got off work. The hugs that never seemed to last long enough. The simple goodnight kisses. The random phone calls. Texting until 3 or 4 in the morning. (You know someone means a lot to you when you are willing to stay up that late just to talk to them) 

I just miss him being here. 

Elder Sumsion is HOME!

Don't get too excited. 

He's not really home. At least not the Elder Sumsion you're thinking about. 

It's Justin's brother!!

This is quite the story so I'm just gonna get going. If you make it to the end, you deserve a prize. :)

So. A few months ago, I woke up on a Monday morning and had an email from Elder Sumsion. I had a little freak out because I couldn't figure out why I would get an email from Justin at 3:00 a.m. Jokes. It wansn't Justin. It was Taylor! I don't think I had ever had a real conversation with him before that. I knew who he was but that's just about it.
We emailed on and off for the last few months of his mission. He was actually a huge help for that portion of the wait. He knows Justin more than I do so it was great to be able to go to him when Justin would talk about something and I wasn't sure how to take it.
Fast forward to April. All of a sudden his parents were getting ready to go to Germany to pick Taylor up. Is he seriously home already?? They spent about a week going to some of Taylor's areas. I had planned on going to Taylor's mission report ever since he started emailing me and when his dad invited me, I jumped at the chance. They invited me, so they must be okay with me being there. Right?

So Saturday night rolls around and I'm at work and then it hits me. I'll see his parents tomorrow. I don't even know if they like me or not. I'm going to have to talk to them. TOMORROW. And then I completely freaked out.

The freaking out continued until basically the end of sacrament meeting. I walked into the chapel and sat on the back row by myself. I knew a few people in the ward but they also knew who I was and my past with Justin. I felt like everyone in the world was staring at me. So I just hung out on the back row totally losing all sanity. 

After the opening prayer, a girl in the Sumsion's ward came back to me and told me I could sit with her and a few other people I knew from high school. They were a few years older than me so I didn't really know them all that well but I took her up on that offer. Sitting by yourself in a ward you don't really know isn't super fun. So I sat with them and I'm sure they thought I was a maniac. I was so nervous. I was a complete wreck. I could hardly swallow the bread because my throat was so dry. Then the water came around and I basically spilled the entire cup on myself because I was shaking so bad. Like I said, I was a wreck...

When Taylor finally got up to talk, I kinda started to calm down. He and Justin are so much alike. It was kinda crazy. They do the same high pitch laugh/voice when they feel awkward, they have the same mannerisms, they're basically the same person. Except not, but you get what I mean. There was one point when Taylor moved his head in a specific way and I had to look again because he looked so much like Justin. When Taylor finished, I was feeling pretty great. It was almost like seeing Justin again. 

Then the meeting ended. 

I made my way over to Taylor and of course by the time I got to him, he was standing right next to his parents. I talked Taylor and gave him a hug then Tawni turned around and saw me. 

"Jenna! *hug* How are you?? It was so nice of you to come!"

 Then Matt saw me.

"Jenna! Hi! *big hug* How are you doing? I'm glad you came! How is school going?"

We continued talking for a minute and then he said, "You should come over to our house anytime after 12! We would love to catch up with you!"

I walked out to my car, got in, and just sat there, probably looking like this:

 I seriously smiled the entire way home.

I don't get why I was so freaked out.

So. After church, I met up with Emily, went on a little Sunday drive, and then went to the Sumsion's. I hadn't been there since the last time I saw Justin. It brought back just a few memories.

It was a little awkward because I didn't really know anyone there except Justin's immediate family. But then the girls I sat with in sacrament meeting came so I just kinda stuck with them. We got some food, sat down, and just talked for a while. Then Matt and Jeff (dad to a kid I went to high school with and good family friend of the Sumsion's) came over and sat on both sides of me. Immediately Jeff said, "So we want the low down. How did you and Justin even get together? And did you purposely hide it from everyone all summer? I just don't get how we didn't find out about it until after he left!" I about died laughing. I told them the details and that was that.

I planned on staying at the Sumsion's for 15-30 minutes. Yeah, nope. I was there for 2.5 hours.

It was basically one of the best days I've had over the past 9 months. 

This was basically me emailing Justin that night: 

BUT! MY DANG COMPUTER DIDN'T SEND THE EMAIL! I got an email from him on Monday saying, "I don't see an email from you. I hope all is good. Let me know if there's anything I can do for you."

That's alright though. He'll just get an extra long email next week. Hah

Life is good. :)