Still Here, Still Waiting

I kinda fell off the face of the earth for a few weeks but I'm still here and still (somewhat) patiently waiting. It wasn't an easy month, that's for sure. I spent the majority of it questioning what I was doing. 

I gave Justin a partial Dear John letter. And when I say partial, I really mean it. While writing it, I had no intention whatsoever of ending things with him. I just wanted things to slow waaaayyy down. We had been talking marriage a lot and it was really freaking me out. It's not that I am against the idea, I am just too much of a realist for my own good. But about a couple weeks ago, after getting Justin's response, things really started looking up. I was terrified to find out what he was going to say in response to my email. I was very serious and kinda harsh in it but that's just what I had to do. He responded in the way I hoped he would have but I didn't think it would actually happen. He responded in the most loving way possible. It really helped me realize that I am SO lucky to have him in my life. No matter what happens between us, he will always be one of the best friends I have ever had and will have. 

So here's a little story. I just finished watching a movie on Netflix called Keith. If you haven't seen it and want to in the near future, stop reading this post right now because I am going to talk all about the ending. And oh man, that ending caught me WAY off guard and it triggered the feels. But it also got me thinking. At the end of the movie, the two main characters, Natalie and Keith, are at the airport saying goodbye. *SPOILER* But they are saying goodbye in a different way. He wanted to go to Canada (I swear I hear about Canada everywhere I go and it kinda kills me every time) to a truck show but he has cancer and is afraid he won't make it. So Natalie gets him a "ticket" (she drew it with crayon...heh) to anywhere. So they say their goodbyes and he gets in line. Of course she cries and then after a few minutes, runs after him, and says, "I am staying with you until you leave. I don't care how much time we have." That's the quote that really got to me. If you have read our story, you know that a couple years before Justin left, he was very hesitant about having a girlfriend before leaving on his mission. It was frustrating to me but I let it go. I NEVER thought I would have a second chance with him. When that chance came along, I thought it was too good to be true. For about two months, I kept  trying to push Justin away. I just wasn't sold on the idea of us. Don't get me wrong, I really liked him but I just couldn't let myself agree. I don't know what it was. Maybe I was afraid that he would do what he did two years earlier, maybe I was afraid of commitment. I don't know but it took me a long time to give in. I finally did about three weeks before he left and if I had to pick two sentences to describe how I felt the day I gave in, it would be the two from this movie. 

"I am staying with you until you leave. I don't care how much time we have."

Of course, Justin wasn't dying of cancer like Keith, but it was still a scary goodbye. And it continues to be scary. I have no clue what will happen between Justin and I. I wish I did. I wish I could just say, "I do" and be his forever, but I can't. However, at this moment, I truly believe that this will be the best experience I have had, whether or not he and I work out. I have learned SO much in these short, yet so long, four months without Justin by my side. But hearing those two sentences, it made me think, "Nothing has changed. I wanted to stay with him until he left, why would I give up as soon as he left?"

In the movie, the scene after them in the airport, it shows Natalie wearing her cap and gown, emptying Keith's locker. He obviously didn't make it to graduation. Then it shows Natalie fixing Keith's car with his dad. She gets in, and starts driving to Canada for the truck show. Even though Keith wasn't there anymore, she was still "with him". She didn't just stay until he left. 

It doesn't matter if Justin is here with me or 2000 miles away, I'm still staying. 

I'm not going anywhere.

So uh....Guess what?

Are you ready?

100 DAYS DOWN!!!!!!!!

That is all. Have a wonderful day. :)

The Pit of Doom

As I have mentioned before, there are A LOT of ups and downs when it comes to waiting for a missionary. Yesterday was a down...just about a low as it gets. To be honest, I just about gave up completely. (Yep. I said it) Which is completely stupid now that I look back. I am still far from a high right now but I'm slowly but surely making my way back up there. 

I have come to find that it is really easy to stay discouraged unless you force yourself to get up and climb out of that pit of doom. 

It always seems to be the small things for me. Yesterday and most of this morning, I was still stuck in that pit of doom and I just couldn't seem to get myself out. But I also wasn't trying very hard. 

Today after 10 hours of work and feeling sorry for myself, I decided it was time to quit. I went to Target to get Idina Menzel's Christmas CD and while I was there, I decided to start getting things for Justin's Box of Sunshine. I was wandering around Target trying to find things to put in it and I just happened to come across some Gushers. I saw them and my mind immediately went to me and a few friends, including Justin, sitting in the choir room eating our lunches. Justin's mom made his lunch for him and without fail, there was a pack of Gushers in his soccer ball lunch box. He would often offer us all a gusher. The box just happened to be yellow so I grabbed one and was quite satisfied. Not to mention a little happier than the minute prior. 

Justin's investigator, Carolyn, messaged me while I was walking around Target and told me she had a couple things that Justin wanted her to ask me about. She asked me about the noises Justin and I made to each other because of Monsters University and our staring contest during The Fault in Our Stars. Story time! When Justin asked me to prom, I answered him by giving him a bucket full of candy and a stuffed toy Squishy from Monsters University. He had his "OK" sweater on so I gave that to Justin and said, "OK. I guess I'll go to prom with you." Well, turns out that little Squishy made noises but not when you squeezed him. He was motion sensored. And very very sensitive. It was actually quite amusing. It's really hard to describe the noises he made but Justin and I made them back and forth to each other up until he left. Well, Justin kept that little Squishy. One time I was at Justin's house with a couple friends watching a movie and before we started the movie Justin walked back into his bedroom. He came out and threw something at me and it roared (quite pathetically) at me. It was Squishy. :) Squishy made noises for the rest of the night. It was quite hilarious really. We watched a scary movie so every once in a while we would hear Squishy and just die of laughter. It was a good night. (That also happens to be the night of our first kiss but we can talk about that one later). Second story! Justin and I had a thing about going to movies. We went to The Fault in Our Stars once and I had already seen it so I warned him that there was a scene...you know exactly what I'm talking about. He responded saying, "That's fine. I'll just have to look somewhere else! :)" Well the scene came up and I told him this was it and he nearly yelled, "STARING CONTEST!" We were pretty much the only ones in the theater so we died laughing. The first staring contest didn't last long enough so we had another one. I totally won both times but he won't admit it. :)

(I just had to throw those in here)

Tonight, I was getting ready for bed and I was trying to decide which pajamas to wear and I found one of Justin's shirts that he gave to me. I have hardly worn this one so it still smelled like him. Needless to say, I am wearing it now. :) When he sent me this shirt and one other he said in his letter, "Every time you wear one of my shirts or my sweatshirt, think of it as a hug from me." Wearing his shirt to bed makes everything better. :)

Well, if you've made it this far, now I get to my reasoning of telling you all these things. Haha! Like I said before, it's the small things for me. These stories are the small things. It doesn't take much for me to remember why I call myself a missionary girlfriend. 

It's simply because I love him. 

It's scary though. I have absolutely no idea what is going to happen in the next 20 months. I could find someone else. I could give up all together. I could continue waiting.

I just don't know. 

But for now, I plan on continuing my wait. It isn't going to be easy. I'm sure my friends are going to want to kill me by the end because I will have been an emotional wreck for 2 years BUT it can be easy if you want it to. 

All I have to do is remember all the AMAZING times we had together. 

And wear his shirts. :)

Goodnight everyone!

Love you all. :)

Doubts

Sometimes I think too much. Actually, I always think too much. 

This week's overanalyzed thought:

What the heck am I doing? I've known this kid for 5 years and we've been a couple for a little more than 5 months. However, more than half of our time as a couple, he has been in a completely different country with VERY limited communication. How am I supposed to know that what we are doing is the right thing to do? I love the crap out of him but I have a very long history of loving something and feeling right about my decision and it never works out. But really...

What the heck am I doing?

What have I gotten myself into?

I am way to skeptical for my own good.

 This is going to be the longest 2 years of my life.

Okay, rant over...

Sorry 'bout that.

Wait...What?

I'm a lucky girl.

Here's why:

P.s. That's Carolyn. Read about her here!

I get to call this dork mine. <3

It is SO easy to get discouraged when you're "waiting" for a missionary. Everyday is seriously a roller coaster. You go from "OH MY GOSH I LOVE HIM TO DEATH AND THESE NEXT 21 MONTHS ARE GOING TO FLY BY!" to "AAAALLLLLL BBBYYYYYYY MMMYYYYYSEELLLLLFFFFFF"

Keep in mind that happens in a matter of seconds. It's terrible. 

We're gonna throw in the actual clip of that gif because it's probably the best thing in the world.

Anyway,

These past 80 days have been a really interesting experience for me. If you know me personally or have read most of my posts, you know that I am not the typical relationship kind of girl. I have always been VERY content on my own. And I still am honestly. I miss him but it isn't hard for me to get through every day. Which is a HUGE blessing. I see things from other MGs about how much they miss their mish and how hard it is for them to get used to them being gone. Don't get me wrong, I totally feel for them. I definitely have my moments. (Refer to earlier clip for a strangely accurate description of those moments I have...) 

Today has been a mixture of both sides of the spectrum. Earlier today I was really frustrated and I just wanted Justin to be here so we can figure out what we're going to do with the rest of our lives. I mean we've already decided on what we're doing for our honeymoon. Is that weird? Probably. Do I care? Nope. Am I excited? Heck yes. 

Let me just be real for a second. 

I am completely terrified to go to college. And not for the reasons you would expect. I am genuinely terrified that I will find someone new. And really, if I do, then that's the way it's supposed to be but I REALLY want Justin to be the one. Right now it does feel like he's the one but things can change. And let's be honest; if he isn't "the one", I'm gonna have to tell him. 

I think it would break my heart more than his. 

He's one of my best friends in the world and I can't imagine how he would take it. 

Ugh. Being a missionary girlfriend is too complicated. I'm really hoping it's all worth it in the end. Ha

But for now, things are great. I love him, he still loves me (at least he did on Monday) and life is good. 

I don't even really know what this post is about. I had it all planned out in my mind and then it just kinda went everywhere I didn't expect it to. Oh well. 

Go team.

And as the lovely GloZell would say,

"Peace and blessins."

Storms Never Come To Stay

This post isn't really missionary related but I just feel the need to say it. 

For the first time in a long time, I am truly happy. Which is kinda funny because the circumstances I'm under right now are far from ideal.  

I work all day everyday.

Most of my friends live at least 2 hours away from me.

I'm not going to college at the moment like I always thought I would be.

And the love of my life is about 2000 miles away from me.

I'm basically a hermit (involuntarily) that works 10 hours a day either scooping ice cream or sitting in a basement of a funeral home making memorial videos for funerals.

Like I said, far from ideal. 

But just over the last couple weeks, the way I look at everything has changed. Instead of looking at that list the way it's written, I look at it like this:

I have TWO jobs that have good pay. A lot of people can't even get one job.

I have AMAZING friends that are worth missing.

I get to go to college, not as soon as I planned, but I still get to go.

I have found the love of my life and he has left everything behind to change peoples lives for two years.

I don't know what it is that has changed to make me have such a different outlook on my life but I'm grateful for it. 

I have absolutely nothing to complain about. 

No, I don't love my jobs, I don't have any friends nearby, I'm not going to college, and I don't get to see or even talk to my love everyday but that is nothing to complain about. 

LIFE. IS. GOOD.

If you're going through a rough patch, just change your outlook. 

It's as simple as that. 

Here's some happy songs because why not. 

Back in the World - David Gray

How Bad We Need Each Other - Marc Scibilia

Today - Wiliamette Stone

Send Me On My Way - Rusted Root

I'm Alive - Kenny Chesney (With Dave Matthews)

The ENTIRE Dan in Real Life soundtrack...

You Make My Dreams - Daryl Hall and John Oates

BE HAPPY! 

I know, I know. Any of you that know me are thinking, "Uhh Jenna. Take your own advice."

I'm working on it. :)

But serously. Just be happy. It makes living so much better. :)

Carolyn

Let me tell you a little story.

Last week in Justin's email, he was very excited to say that he had his first baptism scheduled for November 1st. His exact words were, "My investigator, Carolyn, was there with us for all four General Conference sessions she could attend! :)  Annnnnd.....she wrote down that she wants to get baptized on Nov. 1st!!! :)  I told you more in my letter home to you, but yeah!!  Wahoo!!  If I could hi-five the Spirit, I would. :)" He's kinda cute. :) Anyway, he is way excited.

Carolyn is 23 years old and is going to a college really close to where Justin is living. He described her as the older sister he never had. 

Well, last night, I got a Facebook message from Carolyn. Here's what she said:

"Hi! I know this is so weird and please don't mention this to him, but Elder Sumsion talks about you quite a bit (it's a good thing!). I just want to say I totally admire your faith in Christ for you two to be apart for so long. Elder Sumsion teaches me my lessons with his companion. He's an amazing missionary and it's a privilege to be taught by him. I'm converting to the LDS church so I wanted to tell you that his work IS making a huge difference in people's lives. You take care of yourself and I hope you're well. Carolyn"

I couldn't get myself to respond for like 10 minutes because I was so excited and happy and all the emotions. I was literally crying.

She and I continued to talk for about an hour. It was one of the best conversations I have ever had in my life. She talked about how she has always been so unsure about things but she just knew that joining our church was the right thing for her to do and that she wouldn't be joining the church this soon if Justin hadn't been there to teach her. 

Having the opportunity to talk to Carolyn was something that I didn't ever expect to happen. But I'm so glad it did. Not only did it comfort me but it gave me the chance to really see what Justin is doing. I always knew that Justin was going to be an amazing missionary but after talking to Carolyn, it is so obvious that he is doing some amazing things for the people in Canada. It makes me SO proud of him. What he has done for Carolyn is something that she will NEVER forget. He has completely changed her life. 

I totally emailed Justin when she and I finished talking (even though she told me not to...how could I not?!). Anyway, in the email I said, "Someday when we're married (it that's how it works out :) ), can we please go to Canada and meet some of the people you taught? I would love to meet them. Especially Carolyn. :)"

I wish every MG had the opportunity to talk to one of their missionary's investigators. It is one of the best experiences I have ever had. Hearing how much my missionary has helped someone makes it so much easier to be apart from him. I won't get to see Justin for two years but I'm so glad that this is the reason why. I am more than willing to wait while he changes peoples lives.  :)

Little Conversations. :)

Every once in a while, Justin and I will get to email back and forth for a little while before he has to go and I just wanted to share one of my favorite exchanges. :)

P.s. I'm only 4'11" so it's an ongoing joke about how short I am.

Jenna: Haha yeah, you better get on top of that whole growing thing. I’ve got it down. ;)

Justin: Haha, or else what? ;)

Jenna: I don’t know…haha I’ll come up with something. :) you just might have to deal with me for forever… :)

Justin: Hmm....is that a blessing, or a punishment? ;)  Because if that's a punishment, that's the best punishment I could ever get, forever. <3 :)

Jenna: It is a pretty good one. :)

Justin: Haha, yeah it is, only if it's with you. :)

Jenna: I’m in if you are :)

Justin: I am definitely in if you are in. :)  I know it'll be rough for the next little while, but I'll be home soon, like that song.  I've got to go, but know that I love you. :)  I love you so very much. <3  Have a great week Honey. :)  And I'll let you know what the plan is with time as soon as I get a letter back from you. :)  Je t'aime beaucoup. <3  You are my most prized possession...Mine. <3 :)

p.s. I love you, Jenna. :)

Jenna: I love you. See you soon. <3

It's the little things. :)

How I See It

This is a little post about how I see things going when I finally get to see Justin again. :)

But of course, it's all through GIFS!!!!!

How I think I'll act:

How I'll really act:

Before I get to the airport:

 What I think I'll be doing when I finally see him:

What I'll really be doing when I finally see him:

 

 Then I'll run up to him like so:

 I'll probably be like a lost puppy.

"Please please please please. Let me love you."

And then:

Then I'll do my happy dance,

And life will be the best it's been in two years.

Life. Will. Be. Great.