Forty Sleeps

Forty sleeps. That's all. I'm sitting here shaking my head in disbelief because I can't believe how close we really are. We're almost there. 

I have to apologize for my last post. I was sad. I was in a bad place for quite some time. 

I was sadness.

But things are SO much better now. 

(preach)

p.s. you can SEE her accent. Love.

Moving on. Justin and I are in a great place. We are both on the same page (mostly) when it comes to our relationship. Of course, we still have some things to work through, but that'll come when he gets home. After a few weeks, we picked up right where we left off, but even stronger. We both realized how much we really want to be together, even if it's not the ideal way to do things right now. 

He comes home in 40 short days. The best part about this time in the wait is that I went from being depressed to excited every time I looked at the number of days we have left. I swear it was just yesterday that I looked and it was 100 days. 

It just feels real now. Knowing that the end is in sight is a feeling that's hard to explain. I can really get excited now. 

Last night, I had my first realistic dream about Justin coming home. There were a bunch of people waiting for him to come and I got pushed behind a few people. He almost walked past me, but he took a second look and saw me. He then pushed people out of the way to give me a hug. It was the best imaginary hug I've ever experienced. 

I can't wait for that to be real. 

In other news, I had the "marriage talk" with my parents.

It went surprisingly well. It was actually really good to just lay it all out there and really get their approval. Who knows where our relationship will go when Justin gets home, but it was nice to just talk about the possibility of us getting married. 

Life is good. :) 

With the way I've been posting on the blog, I probably won't be back until he's home. But I'll try my best to give a few more updates before it's all over!

I Got Tired

Come sit. Let me tell you a story.

Sometimes life gets the better of you. 

It has been about 3.5 months since my last post, and let me tell you. A whole lot has happened.

The last 4 or so months of the wait have been the hardest, hands down. I don't even know where to begin. My experiences over the past few months are pretty personal, but I want to share our story in hopes that it will help someone else going through a similar situation. We went through some hard things, but I strongly believe we are stronger together because of these experiences. So I'm going to start at the beginning.

It's hard to put into words what it's like to love someone that you don't get to see for two years. I feel like Justin and I did really well the first year. Every day was a new experience for us and we just took everything as it came, but once we got a few months past that long awaited year mark, we got tired.

Correction: I got tired.

I didn't know how I felt about him anymore. I slowly tapered away and just wasn't as involved as I previously was. It had been so long since I had heard his voice and felt his hand in mine that I forgot what it was like. I tried to hang on, but I just didn't feel like it was possible. However, my relationship with Justin wasn't the only thing I was forgetting. While I continued to go to church and attend all my church meetings, it wasn't a focal point in my life anymore. I was just going through the motions rather than them actually meaning something to me. Long story short, I began to loose focus on all the important things in my life. I took advantage of them.

I began to get more and more uncertain with my relationship with Justin. After about a month, I couldn't just sit there anymore. I had to make a change. I wrote Justin a letter and told him how I felt. That I felt like I needed a little while to figure out my life and get to know myself again. Justin and I only dated for about 2.5 months before he left on his mission and because of our limited time together physically, we built a lot of our relationship through words on a screen and letters on a piece of paper. And that's exactly what I felt like it was. It wasn't real to me. It was just a compilation of weekly words. He was very understanding of it all. He gave me time to be to myself, and I told myself that I would take this time to really decide if he was meant to be in my life or not.

After a few weeks, I emailed Justin again. I was completely honest with him and told him how I felt during those few weeks. I was just fine. The only thing that really messed with me was the fact that I was okay to just stop. I was almost disgusted with myself. I knew that wasn't how Justin felt and I was terrified that I would hurt him if I left. But I did what I felt like I needed to.

I emailed Justin after a few weeks of a lot of deliberation. I told him that I felt like we should end things until he got home and we could see where things go then. At first, he was hurt but he told me that he kind of agreed. I was surprised by his response and simply asked him if he was okay. He wasn't. Long story short, that was the end. We both walked away feeling completely torn, but on good terms. However, there was one thing he said that I couldn't let slide:

"Hopefully I run into you sometime when I get home."

That simple sentence was like a stab to the heart. Justin had been through way too much to just "run into each other" when he got home. I still wanted to be at the airport when he gets home. I still wanted our relationship to grow. We still emailed on and of for the next couple months, but it wasn't the same. How could it be? I was miserable for the next couple weeks. Nothing seemed right in my life. I knew I had hurt him and it was killing me. Slowly, I began to realize why it hurt so much. I still cared about him in a way I don't about anyone else. He meant so much to me that just knowing I had hurt him and wasn't with him to make up for what I did made me wake up.

I am far from perfect. I will continue to make mistake after mistake, and I will hurt the people I love. But he is one person I can't stand to watch myself hurt.

I love him too much.

I don't want to have to stand on the side and watch him hurt. I want to be with him to fix the mistakes I know I will continue to make. I don't want to let him go. Ever. But I knew I couldn't just run right back to him and expect everything to be fine and dandy. We had to back way up and start again. We had to go slow.

To put an end to this very long post, we turned out alright. We are still building back up to where we were, but that's just fine. After I went back to him and explained everything, things finally started turning up for me. I wanted to be better. I was fine without him, but I am on top of the world with him. I can live without him, but I don't want to.

To the other missionary girlfriends reading this, hang in there. Do what you feel is the right thing for you and your missionary. For us, it was to call it. It just took us being apart physically and emotionally to realize how much we really want to stick it out. Things will always work out. Here I am with a mere 6 months left in the wait and it almost doesn't seem real. We have been through so much over the past 18 months and I wouldn't take any of it back. We have grown so much together. Even if things don't end up working out with Justin and I, I will never regret the 2 years I spent waiting for him. It's an experience I will never forget.

Okay, I'll get off my soapbox now.

I promise I'll try to get back to posting more often. I'm in a much better place now. :)

And I'll try to follow up with a funnier post. I miss my GIFs. 

I love you all!