These past few days have been the hardest I've experienced so far.
I really really miss him.
For the first time since about mid August, I actually left my house for something other than work or running to Walmart. Everything I've done the past few days makes me think of him and how much I wish I was doing those things with him.
Don't get me wrong, I've actually been quite happy these past few days compared to most but there has just been this lingering thought in the back of my mind.
"I wish Justin was here with me."
And that can really put a damper on things.
For example, I went to a movie tonight with a foreign exchange student we had live with us last year. (She came back to visit with her sister) and I couldn't stop thinking about how much I wanted him there with me.
But here's the thing. I'm actually quite glad I feel this way. Here's why.
Justin and I were together for about two and a half months before he left and I still wasn't completely sold on our relationship. I didn't have very much experience with relationships so I was still trying to figure it all out. Then he left and I didn't think a ton of it. I spent our first month or so apart feeling like I should really miss him but I just didn't. It got to the point that I wasn't sure if waiting for him was worth either of our time. I spent quite a few days thinking, "I don't know if I should be doing this. I think I love him but I just don't know if this is right." Finally it got to the point that I couldn't sleep at night anymore. I couldn't stop thinking about whether or not we were doing the right thing.
Finally, I got my stubborn, independent self to pray about it.
I won't bore you with all the details but I still don't feel like I've gotten a clear answer. However, ever since the moment I ended that prayer, I've had the thought in my mind that it doesn't matter right now. I don't have to know if Justin is the one for me right now. We still have 22 months before we need to think about it. For now, all I need to do is support my best friend because he needs it. Whether he tells me he needs that support or not. What Justin is doing is a very hard thing. So many 18 year old guys go on missions around us that we almost become numb to what they're really doing. They are leaving their friends and families for TWO YEARS. Seven hundred and thirty days away from the ones they love. And they only get to talk to them about 108 times during that time period. That isn't very much.
But I actually miss Justin now. In a matter of minutes, I went from not really missing him and thinking that I should tell him that I'm done, to really missing him. I began to miss his dorky jokes, his hairstyle that I kinda can't stand, and every little thing about him.
"Why would you be happy about missing someone?" you may be asking and here's my answer:
Truly missing Justin has been a huge relief. I have always wanted things to work out between us but I just didn't know if it was right. But now, everything feels right. I miss the crap out of him but it feels so right to miss him.
My point(s)? It's completely okay to miss someone. That means you care about them. And if you aren't feeling super sure about something, PRAY. Even if it's just a little decision that isn't super important and you aren't quite sure what way to go, just pray. Heavenly Father wants the absolute best for every single one of us. He cares about us. He misses us, just like we miss the ones we love that are away from us. He wants us to get back to him, and one of the very first steps we have to take to get there is making the right decisions. He will help us through every one of those decisions.
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